In The Dark

I'm not quite sure I know what I'm doing.  It's such a nice day for once here that I'm sitting out on my parents' porch typing this.  My husband is on his way home to his other residence after a day of school.  I'm sitting here listening to my older boys fuss and complain because I don't want to get on the trampoline and play with them.  My little one is still sleeping, but I'm sure it won't be for much longer.  But yet I still feel like I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. 

Nick's been in school now for just about 2 and 1/2 months.  My daily routine has become mundane almost.  Bennett wakes up between 5:30 and 7:00 every morning.  By then Tanner is usually awake.  After feeding Bennett we come downstairs and I fix the other boys something to eat for breakfast.  Then we usually watch a little bit of what's on PBS.  I let them watch way too much television.  I don't feel like doing much of anything else.  I would love for them to play outside more, but I don't like having to watch them constantly because there is no fence in the backyard.  So I let them watch television all morning. 

By noon, I fix them lunch, and by 12:30, 1:00, I put them down for naps.  During their naps, I don't do a whole lot.  Lately I've been looking up jobs for Nick on various search engines.  By 2:30, 3:00, the boys are all awake.  Sometimes we play outside, but others we just sit inside and they play.  5:00 comes along and it's time for dinner.  I try to make well balanced meals for my kids, but they never want to eat the vegetables or the casseroles or the fruit that we have with dinner.  All they want are chips and candy, and cookies.  We hardly ever eat any of those, but they want them anyway.  Trying to get them to eat more healthful has been a challenge. 

After dinner, they play a little longer and by 7:30, 8:00, it's time to pick up the toys and go to bed.  Bennett stays up until about 9:00 and then he goes down for the night, but only to wake up somewhere around 3:00.  Then we do it all again the next day.  And that's it. 

I don't know how effective I am as a mother.  My kids seem to not like doing as their asked to, or really listen to what I need them to do.  Tanner only ever wants to watch movies and when he's told that he can't, he cries.  The boys are constantly fighting with each other.  I know it's because of their age, but it makes things difficult when I'm trying to teach them not to hit or throw things and the other just goes ahead and does it anyway.  I feel sometimes that I'm being judged by my parents.  I know they don't really do this, but I still feel that way.  I allow my children to get away with way too much and I feel like my parents don't approve of my parenting.  But who knows really.   

I know being a mom isn't always the most glamorous job in the world.  Most days it's far from it.  But I'm kind of at a point where I need something new.  I'm tired of living with my parents.  I'm grateful for it, but I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of Nick not being here but for two days a week.  I'm tired of not knowing where things are going to end up for us after Nick is finished with his training in August. 

I was talking with my sister-in-law on Sunday, and she said that true faith is having to take a few steps in the dark before the Lord will step in and turn the light on for us.  Well, right now I'm in the dark.  I have absolutely no idea where things are leading for us.  I have no idea if we'll be able to stay here when Nick is done with school.  I have no idea if we'll be buying a house or renting.  I have no idea if we're going to be having more kids or not or when we will have more if we do decide to have more.  I've applied for a few jobs for Nick these past couple of weeks, but who knows if anything will come of it.  Most of those jobs are either much more north of here, or way west of here.  I just don't know, and that's the part I really don't like. 

So as I sit here listening to the neighbor's lawn mower, and my kids screaming at each other and crying, I'm still not quite sure I know what I'm doing.