In A Funk!

I really struggled personally during the month of October.  During our semi-annual church General Conference, I was affected by a talk given by Elder Neil L. Andersen.  He talked about not putting off having kids because of financial reasons, or even for selfish reasons.  That really sent me for a loop, and honestly, I'm not sure why.  While I was pregnant with Wyatt, many of the people I know from church or around me would ask me if we were going to have more kids.  A lot of people would ask me if we were going to try for a girl.  My answer to them was always, "We're not entirely sure.  I'm not going to say 'no' because I'm not sure what the Lord has in store for me, but I would like to say 'yes' because I'm ready to be done having kids."  Then after having Wyatt, Nick and I decided that maybe it was time that we were done having kids.  Each one of my pregnancies was successively harder than the last both physically and emotionally.  I don't handle post-partum very well. 

So to hear an Apostle of the Lord stand there and tell us all that we shouldn't put off having kids because of selfish reasons, I felt like I was being selfish for using my physical struggles as an excuse to not have more kids.  I was a little upset, not angry, but just unsettled because I wasn't sure that I wanted to have more kids.  After two days of being in this mood, and after talking with Nick about it, he asked me why I felt the way I did.  I told him that I almost felt guilty to say we're not going to have more kids.  Then he looked me square in the eye and said that if I wanted to have more kids than that was fine, but that's our decision.  But if we we're going to have more kids because I felt guilt-tripped into having more kids, than that was wrong.  That immediately brought me out of my stupor.  We both feel strongly that, for now at least, we have faithfully done our part to bring children into this world and that now we need to focus of raising those children in this world. 

I've also really been struggling with raising our kids.  I feel like all I ever do is yell at them to stop doing this or to stop hitting each other.  I've felt really down on myself, recently especially, that I haven't been doing a very good job as a mother.  My kids are very intense in their behavior when they get together with other kids.  I feel like no one wants to bring their kids around mine because of the way they act.  All they do is watch television, literally, all day.  I've been very lazy in not wanting to do anything with them.  So I just let them watch television.  It's so bad that when we turn the tv off at night, Tanner throws a huge fit because he wants to watch more tv.  It's so bad! 

 Last week was really difficult for me in my mothering skills because I felt like I was just horrible.  I don't know how to handle the boys when they get in their non-listening moods, which is most of the time.  They don't come when I ask them directly to come to me.  They look at me and defiantly walk away while still looking at me.  They are continually running around screaming and hitting each other.  I'm kind of at my wits end in trying to figure out how to deal with all of this.  I take it very personally, and then I take it all out on Nick, and that's just not good.  So it's really been a struggle for me.

My mom has been pushing me to buy this book that my sister-in-law has, it's called The Power of Positive Parenting by Dr. Glen Latham.  I finally ordered it and I'm trying to get through it.  It's a little difficult than I thought because it's set up like a text book more than anything.  But I'm trying to keep an open mind about all of this.  I find it hard to imagine that being positive all the time gets the results I strive for, but I'll try anything at this point.  I'm just afraid that they're going to walk all over me, but you know, they do that anyway, so what's it going to hurt. 

I've come up with a daily schedule that I know they, and I, will benefit from.  I'm just really lazy and I'm procrastinating putting it into action.  I really need to do this for their sakes.  I'm sure that with a daily schedule, they won't be so bored and that's when things start to go downhill.  Pray for me.  I know that it's only with the Lord's help that I'll be able to get through this. 

All I ever wanted, from the time I can remember, was to be a mom, but recently I've really questioned that.  Nick had to remind me last week that it is my divine nature to be a mother.  I forget that a lot!  I was created to be here on this earth specifically to raise children, and I feel like I've fallen short on that calling.  I'm trying to remedy that, and I want to feel good about myself as a mother again.  Here's to continually trying, falling short, and picking myself up and trying again.  It's such a difficult cylce to live by, but that's life right?